Saturday, May 16, 2009


When it's said and done, this is how the NFC will shape up this year:

Last Place- Detroit Lions (1-15)
Since the big three in Michigan are collapsing (Ford, GMC, Meth Labs), I figure the Lions don't have a chance. Not because they don't have an offensive line or a sweet veteran quarterback like Rodney Peete throwing for them back there, but because their killer instinct they had with awesome-guy Scott Mitchell just isn't present. 
Thought: Barry Sanders comes out of retirement and becomes starting quarterback. Daunte Culpepper throws clipboard and headset on ground multiple times, stating "I can do this shit a lot better. seriously. just give me Moss, Rice, Owens, and Harrison. I"ll do this!"

3rd place - Green Bay Packers (8-8)
Aaron rodger's never ending battle with the Shick Quatro takes an unprecedented turn this year and will miss 3-4 games due to massive razor burn and/or massive blood loss. Donald Driver will do something illegal; allowing for Greg Jennings to accumulate around 84 touchdowns (80 vs. Lions). The "Go Pack GO" chant will drive many rookie Packers to their untimely suicides after hearing it for the 1,345th time in freezing weather. BJ Raji will be seen sobbing in a local KFC crying out of boredom as snow blankets the smallest NFL city.

2nd place - Minnesota Vikings (10-6)
Brett Favre will come out of re-re-retirement-ish and will play approximately 30 mins of preseason game time before shattering his pelvis, paralyzing him from the waist down. 34 rolls of duct tape later and an ATV Rascal Wheelchair and Brett will be back on the field. He will NOT miss starting a regular season game, no matter if he cant use his legs. Season will fall short however when third play into regular season sees Favre attempting the option to Adrian Peterson and getting decapitated by Brian Urlacher. In a risky yet smart move, the Vikings trade Favre's head (with helmet intact) to the unsuspecting Lions for their 1st rounder next year (which would have been a crappy WR anyway). Detroit Fans shake their heads as they've been fooled yet again, and Adrian and company help the Vikes to an impressive 10-6 record.

1st place - Chicago Bears (5,000 - 0 ) - just because we could play this many games and win them ALL. GO US.
Me, Forte, Hester, and our mean-ass defense will dominate the NFC with a prowess never before seen. Don't be surprised if I put up some big numbers this year. 83 touchdown passes, 12,300 passing yards, and 0 smacktalks to Phillip Rivers. Of course, this is only a simulated season I had in Madden, but it could totally happen. I have a feeling this is the year the 85' Bears come back. Superbowl bound. I'm bringing back the fridge, Ditka, and zombie Payton to help us in our quest. Only this time around, Payton gets a touchdown. god bless him.

BONUS REVIEW: DENVER BRONCOS (1-15...only because Kyle may win them one game)
I don't Knowshon what the hell they are doing this year, but it seems as if McDaniels just threw his arms in the (Robert) Ayers and guessed with his draft picks. I mean, they traded their first round (which is going to be a sweet pick as long as they dont Detroit or Shanahan it) for the Fonze. Double u tee eff. He siad I wanted to be traded and I was all like "nuh-uh" and he was all like "dude totally yeah you did" and then threw on a torn hoody and sucked his thumb while Bill Belichick hushed him to sleep and read Goodnight Moon until McDaniels silently dreamt while drooling on his NE Patriots pillow-sheet. So uh yeah, the Broncos arent going to be great.

Thought Over,

Jay "Smoothie" Cutler


  1. Hey Jay,
    Really funny article man. After you win Chicago a couple of Superbowls and retire from your kick ass career and are inducted into the hall of fame of badasses, you should consider being a comedian or something. Seriously, Will Ferrel started out at USC as a sports broadcasting major. Now hes shakin-and-bakin all over this bitch.

    ANY way what I really wanted to write to you about was.. this. watch it.

    " Will someone please, remove these, Cutlerys, from me knees." good line, right?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. "Shanahan got dumped by the owner lady and they want me to play for some McDonields fella. F-that, im out. I hear the bears would take me and the bears are the rootinest pack of monsters I know. Even though Rex Grossman was recently framed there-this is a good situation."
    Bear down

  4. Seeds 1-6
    Bears, Panthers, Giants, 49s(yup), Cowboys, Saints.

    Colts, Pats, Chargers, Steelers, Phins, Ravens.

    I hear that Rivers likes to dress up like a lady sometimes.

  5. As a Bears fan since I was old enough for my Dad to place my first football in my hands and making my first tackle in a dress. I was a little nervous for the Jay Cutler badassness. However, since you are freaking hilarios, I can't wait to see you do the shuffle. GO BEARS!!

  6. Jay:

    You've moved on, so you need to move on. the Broncos will be just fine without you. How many playoff games have you won? How many times have you won your division? Oh that's right, 0. You won't be so smug when the Packers drive you in to the gound.

  7. Have you considered your offensive line, Jay? And are they ever offensive. Bears go 4-12 in 2009.

  8. seriously orgasmix?? you're talking about the Packers??? how can you expect to not be laughed at? i think you're right though, the Bears will go 4-12... if they lose 43 or more players to injury. remember they get to play Detroit and Green Bay 2 times. that's pretty much 4 guaranteed wins right there.

    you do seem a little bitter though Jay. maybe you should find someone to talk you about your Bronco bitterness, even though the way they used the picks they got is a seemingly "Al Davis" type fashion. I'd suggest you have a good sit down with... i dont know where i'm going with this. good night.

  9. jay dont listen to these fools the bears are gonna do great. I say u guys go 12-4.

  10. Mambo #5 was on this morning and I foresaw it to be the 09 bears anthem.
    I remember the last time the bears had a punk at qb and a theme song!

  11. I soooo want to see you do the shuffle.GO BEARS!

  12. Jay, remember this:

    I can completly understand you being un-happy with the broncos and Mcdaniels who messed everything up. Believe me! i was soooooooo mad how they treated you!

    But as a Bronco fan, I will still always be a Jay Cutler fan no matter where you move to.

    Point is, you still have a fan base in Denver, have a little faith in Denver huh? I can understand you being unhappy, but dont hate on everyone back in the 3oh3! ok!

    PS I pray everyday you get the chance to drop kick phillip (the bitch) rivers in the face.