Thursday, June 18, 2009

Six Degrees of Brandon Marshall

Almost everyone and their mothers has been asking me about Plaxico Burress, Brandon Marshall, Terry Bradshaw, or Chad Ochocinco. People ask if I'd like Plax or Marshall to play for the Bears. Others proclaim that I simply don't have the 'chemistry' to bond with these players. That's totally a lie and stuff. To prove just HOW connected I am with these players, I'll connect them with anything. any person. watch.

Six Degress of Brandon Marshall

~ Willy Wonka to Brandon Marshall ~

1. Easy. Willy Wonka made candy and gum - gum is chewed in the Chris Brown doublemint gum commercial - Chris Brown loves a good domestic dispute - as does BRANDON MARSHALL. OK see we're on the same page. I know this guy. lets do a tougher one.

~ The Chicago Bears to Brandon Marshall
2. Ok. lets make it interesting. The Chicago Bears are in the same conference as the Green Bay Packers, who have two wide receivers on their team from Western Michigan University, which is in MICHIGAN, where the Lions play and would most likely have drafted BRANDON MARSHALL if they'd had the first pick that year. (yeah he went like 4th round but whatev)
ok so maybe that wasnt as clean. But I'll do a tough one next.

 ~ A Bronco to Brandon Marshall
3. Hmm. imposssible. these two have nothing in common.

Donte Stallworth to Brandon Marshall to Plaxico Burress
4. Courtroom. the end.

Joking. I love these players . Any would benefit us on our way to our definite spot in the Super Bowl this year. 

Hoping to be on the cover of Madden 2011 at least,

JayCuts McCuttlers

Thought over

Saturday, May 16, 2009


When it's said and done, this is how the NFC will shape up this year:

Last Place- Detroit Lions (1-15)
Since the big three in Michigan are collapsing (Ford, GMC, Meth Labs), I figure the Lions don't have a chance. Not because they don't have an offensive line or a sweet veteran quarterback like Rodney Peete throwing for them back there, but because their killer instinct they had with awesome-guy Scott Mitchell just isn't present. 
Thought: Barry Sanders comes out of retirement and becomes starting quarterback. Daunte Culpepper throws clipboard and headset on ground multiple times, stating "I can do this shit a lot better. seriously. just give me Moss, Rice, Owens, and Harrison. I"ll do this!"

3rd place - Green Bay Packers (8-8)
Aaron rodger's never ending battle with the Shick Quatro takes an unprecedented turn this year and will miss 3-4 games due to massive razor burn and/or massive blood loss. Donald Driver will do something illegal; allowing for Greg Jennings to accumulate around 84 touchdowns (80 vs. Lions). The "Go Pack GO" chant will drive many rookie Packers to their untimely suicides after hearing it for the 1,345th time in freezing weather. BJ Raji will be seen sobbing in a local KFC crying out of boredom as snow blankets the smallest NFL city.

2nd place - Minnesota Vikings (10-6)
Brett Favre will come out of re-re-retirement-ish and will play approximately 30 mins of preseason game time before shattering his pelvis, paralyzing him from the waist down. 34 rolls of duct tape later and an ATV Rascal Wheelchair and Brett will be back on the field. He will NOT miss starting a regular season game, no matter if he cant use his legs. Season will fall short however when third play into regular season sees Favre attempting the option to Adrian Peterson and getting decapitated by Brian Urlacher. In a risky yet smart move, the Vikings trade Favre's head (with helmet intact) to the unsuspecting Lions for their 1st rounder next year (which would have been a crappy WR anyway). Detroit Fans shake their heads as they've been fooled yet again, and Adrian and company help the Vikes to an impressive 10-6 record.

1st place - Chicago Bears (5,000 - 0 ) - just because we could play this many games and win them ALL. GO US.
Me, Forte, Hester, and our mean-ass defense will dominate the NFC with a prowess never before seen. Don't be surprised if I put up some big numbers this year. 83 touchdown passes, 12,300 passing yards, and 0 smacktalks to Phillip Rivers. Of course, this is only a simulated season I had in Madden, but it could totally happen. I have a feeling this is the year the 85' Bears come back. Superbowl bound. I'm bringing back the fridge, Ditka, and zombie Payton to help us in our quest. Only this time around, Payton gets a touchdown. god bless him.

BONUS REVIEW: DENVER BRONCOS (1-15...only because Kyle may win them one game)
I don't Knowshon what the hell they are doing this year, but it seems as if McDaniels just threw his arms in the (Robert) Ayers and guessed with his draft picks. I mean, they traded their first round (which is going to be a sweet pick as long as they dont Detroit or Shanahan it) for the Fonze. Double u tee eff. He siad I wanted to be traded and I was all like "nuh-uh" and he was all like "dude totally yeah you did" and then threw on a torn hoody and sucked his thumb while Bill Belichick hushed him to sleep and read Goodnight Moon until McDaniels silently dreamt while drooling on his NE Patriots pillow-sheet. So uh yeah, the Broncos arent going to be great.

Thought Over,

Jay "Smoothie" Cutler

Friday, May 8, 2009

10 changes I'd like to bring to the Chicago Bears franchise


1. Because I'm a huge fan of hip-hop (i.e. songs like "Superbowl Shuffle", "Can I Kick It?", and my favorite, "Mambo #5") I think Soldier field should be "Soulja Boy Field". This move allows us to bring in new and youthful sponsors to our organization. "Tupac and Biggie Live4EVA Field" is my second choice.

2. Here are my choices for our potential new logo:
- I know, I know not very intimidating - BUT - this allows us to reach out to demographics never before imagined. Boys Town?

By FAR the toughest Bear I know. Besides Curtis Enis

Worthy opponents will cringe at the mere site of this logo

3. Recruit Madden to un-retire and broadcast Bears games. We need our Haray Caray. This will only be allowed if Madden remembers that he is supposed to love ME ME ME and not Brett Favre.

4. Hire chef for Madden

5. Totally work out some deal with EA so I can be on the Madden 2010 cover. HOW COOLBALLS WOULD THAT BE?

6. Institute a mandatory Bear pun rule that requires every Bear fan in attendance to exclaim their favorite Bear pun at least once a game. Examples? You betcha:
"We can't leave now! The game has BEAR-ly started!"
"That lineman is HUGE!! His gut looks like BEAR-y Bonds' steroid-induced cranium!"
"I Can't BEAR to listen to Matt Millen broadcast another football game. It's un-BEAR-able to listen to him."
"Look!! Our football is naked! They're the Chicago BARES!" - a stretch, but a good pun nontheless.

7. Hire a janitorial crew for the potential Madden gameday slopfest. 

8. Wax Lovie's dome before every game and use his gleaming uber-cranium as a blinding battering-ram during kick returns.


10. Mandatory pat-on-the-back sessions for assistant coach Rod Marinelli for the absolute monstrosity he had to go through last year. Gift baskets and Snuggies are welcome commodities as well.

thought over,

Jay "Cutty" Cutler

Monday, May 4, 2009

Brown and Blue and Orange all over

Yeah- between training camp and late night boozing--I DO have this for this. My friend just rearranged all the letters on my keyboard to go back to the QWERTY format. (I had torn them out to spell "Jay Cutlr is @we$0m!" across the top.) it took forever and half to figure out how to type with that, so dude McFriend of mine fixed it. now i can type clearly again.

Remember that one game when like, that dude from our team ran it back 108 yds. for a touchdown? Yeah I mean I played for the Nuggets then, but I was still blue and orange. and I'm pretty sure I knew I was going to be a bear, yeah. Then I realized how lucky I was.

I love the colors blue and orange. I BLEED blue and orange. I eat only blueberries and oranges--and no the diabetes was not a direct result of this diet; doctor McFixjay said so. When the new coach of the Avalanche, Josh McDaniels, said I was going to be traded, I was a little surprised, distraught, and aggravated, not to mention that writing this thought down would cause severe comma splices in my blog. BUT - when he told me I was going to be traded to Chi-town, a team that was blue and orange just like the Rockies I had played for for years, I was ex-static...eggstatic? I was excited. Like Andy Reid meeting Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man excited.

My pajamas, my inner-lip tattoo, my hairless ferret--all of them could stay orange and blue without any consequence!! When I first phoned my friends and family- they were excited but concerned at the same time- they were unsure how I would adapt to the bigger city environment. They asked questions about where I'd live, who I knew, etc. Not one person was excited for me in that I'd be wearing the same colors...well almost. Bear Blue is a little different from Bronco Blue. That's a little silly really.

I told my friends no to worry- I'd find the bluest and orangest place around. At my house warming party, I served only blue and orange drinks--but apparently orange and blue liquer don't mix well together stomachwise, and peeps were vomiting purple all night long. As my home slowly turned into a vomitvest of unBEARable proportions, I stepped out on the deck of my new place (hoping I wouldnt collapse like in that one ER episode... OMG HORRIFIC) and reflected on how great I was going to look in Bear Orange and Bear Blue this fall. Though my insulin pump told me I needed more insulin, my heart pump told me I was in the right place. at the right time. Doing the right thing. 

Here I come Chicago!
thought over,
Jay C