Friday, May 8, 2009

10 changes I'd like to bring to the Chicago Bears franchise

CH-Ch-ch-CHANGES!

1. Because I'm a huge fan of hip-hop (i.e. songs like "Superbowl Shuffle", "Can I Kick It?", and my favorite, "Mambo #5") I think Soldier field should be "Soulja Boy Field". This move allows us to bring in new and youthful sponsors to our organization. "Tupac and Biggie Live4EVA Field" is my second choice.

2. Here are my choices for our potential new logo:
- I know, I know not very intimidating - BUT - this allows us to reach out to demographics never before imagined. Boys Town?

By FAR the toughest Bear I know. Besides Curtis Enis

Worthy opponents will cringe at the mere site of this logo


3. Recruit Madden to un-retire and broadcast Bears games. We need our Haray Caray. This will only be allowed if Madden remembers that he is supposed to love ME ME ME and not Brett Favre.

4. Hire chef for Madden

5. Totally work out some deal with EA so I can be on the Madden 2010 cover. HOW COOLBALLS WOULD THAT BE?

6. Institute a mandatory Bear pun rule that requires every Bear fan in attendance to exclaim their favorite Bear pun at least once a game. Examples? You betcha:
"We can't leave now! The game has BEAR-ly started!"
"That lineman is HUGE!! His gut looks like BEAR-y Bonds' steroid-induced cranium!"
"I Can't BEAR to listen to Matt Millen broadcast another football game. It's un-BEAR-able to listen to him."
"Look!! Our football is naked! They're the Chicago BARES!" - a stretch, but a good pun nontheless.

7. Hire a janitorial crew for the potential Madden gameday slopfest. 

8. Wax Lovie's dome before every game and use his gleaming uber-cranium as a blinding battering-ram during kick returns.

9. Advertise on billboards across Minnesota "WE HAD AN ADRIAN PETERSON FIRST AND IM PRETTY SURE HE CAN KICK YOUR ADRIAN'S ASS. LIKE IN A FIGHT OR SOMETHING"

10. Mandatory pat-on-the-back sessions for assistant coach Rod Marinelli for the absolute monstrosity he had to go through last year. Gift baskets and Snuggies are welcome commodities as well.


thought over,

Jay "Cutty" Cutler



9 comments:

  1. Funny post...You're a funny guy.

    Hey, you basically won my fantasy league for me, thanks!!! I'll draft you again this year. I think you'll appreciate this...I also drafted Philip Rivers but never played him except for your bye week. Good luck this year with Da Bears...

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  2. You're too funny!! BEARy excited to come see you play in Chi-town. LOVE ya!

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  3. your post are un BEARlibablly hillarious, i was said about Keil" Neck BEARd" Orton leaving but your MY BOI BLUE, and ORANGE you glad you have a defense now, Alrighty Cutty ITS BEARt over and out

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  4. i vote for Bear #2: Bear Grylls is the shiz!

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  5. Lovies dome doubles as a dry/erase board. Go for it!

    You are not an Adrian Peterson unless you have superdreads.

    Al Michaels will open our MNF game by saying that "the Viqueens are BEARing down on 6 wins if they can only find a way to beat this dazzling Bears team. Alex Brown leads the league in interceptions and Matt Forte has a record setting 12,000 all purpose yards so far. Jay Cutler already has three drop-kick field goals this year to go along with his 3 td receptions. Things are wacky in Chicago and the Bears are shaping up to be the NFCs number 1 seed. I am Al Michaels and this is my parter Bird-face McGee.

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  6. guys, seriously, it wasnt that funny. i mean it was funny but geez.

    so on another absolutely hilarious note, i had that ch-ch-ch-changes song in my head the other day but the only words i know are... ch-ch-ch-changes. that's extremely annoying.

    hey Cutty, keep up the witty blogging. it's nice. happy offseason. oh and a ? do you miss shanny? he's my wife's uncle's wife's sister's husband so we're pretty tight. he says he misses you.

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  7. I WANT TO CHILL WITH YOU!!! haha Yea I know, in my dreams. lmao

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  8. The sham-wow might work petty good on Lovies head on those hot or rainy days.. ha I can totally see that being part of the sales pitch, maybe. But anyways, definatly like the direction you were goin with the ideas here. Best of luck to you this season, welcome to Chi-town.... by the way Mambo #5 was such a sick song LOL

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